Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
