I haven't been this sober since birth.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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