I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
