I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
