god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
