I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
