My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
