Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
