Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
