dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
