I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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