every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
