Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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