I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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