I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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