there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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