I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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