Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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