Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
