You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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