Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
