Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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