So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize