im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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