looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
