If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
