maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
