I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
