After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
