I am in a vortex of obligation.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize