I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
