just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
