I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
