Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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