So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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