When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
