Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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