I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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