Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
