I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
