your room smells of hookers.
And success
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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