I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
