Cold hands, warm shart.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
