I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
