I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize