i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
