I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
