i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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