i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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