I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
