i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize