I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
