Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
