Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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