tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
