just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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