True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize