we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
