Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
