I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
