Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
